This story is imaginary. Any resemblance to actual persons, events or situations is not coincidental, it is intentional.
The doors of the European Parliament will close for good according to the draft decision which was leaked early this morning out of the European Summit in Brussels.
Following a series of high-stakes political showdowns, EU leaders decided to pull the plug on the functioning of the most democratic European institution, allegedly seen as “unable to meet the challenges of the new European governance”.
Our leading EU analyst explains in this regard: “The European Parliament has for years now been evolving into a costly travelling circus, even worse a multi-lingual talking shop with hardly any political influence in important EU decisions. Its dissolution is, therefore, an inevitable act of political realism”.
European elections are thus to be abolished. Instead, citizens in EU Member States shall automatically acquire the right to vote directly in the German federal elections, a development which is expected to strengthen the democratic legitimization of the decisions of the German Bundestag.
“The direct election of the Chancellor by a pan-European electorate will bring the European citizens closer to the real centres of decision-making, thus reducing the fundamental democratic deficit in Europe,” points out our EU analyst.
The British Prime Minister was the only one who refused to sign the decision in question. He pledged, however, to his European counterparts that he would do “whatever it takes” to take his country out of the European Union before the decision enters into force.
As for the French President, it is rumoured that that following a diplomatic marathon, he secured a commitment on the part of Germany to serve as the next Vice-Chancellor, responsible for EU affairs.
According to the first opinion polls, the governing party in Germany seems to have limited popularity in the majority of EU member states, with a percentage not exceeding 15% on a pan-European level.
“It is obvious that we must now re-adapt our approach towards the voters,” mention sources from the German Cabinet, which go on to explain: “To date we have been accountable exclusively to the German people for our European policy. From now on, we have to address all the European peoples and explain, with clear political arguments, the reasons why a German Europe is to everyone’s benefit.”
Conversely, the newly founded party “European Germany” has already seen its vote share shoot up to over 30%, due to its mass acceptance in the Southern European countries and its ability to tap into large pools of voters such as the poor (80 million) and unemployed (24 million).
Central tenets of its European policy include the end of “draconian” austerity, debt mutualisation mechanisms, the establishment of a fiscal and transfer union and the implementation of a Marshall Plan for growth in Europe’s periphery. All policies will be backed by safety valves for containing moral hazard within the so-called “New Union”.
“We have a historical duty as Germans to stabilize the Eurosystem and get Europe out of the current crisis. Τhis role implies leadership, concessions and a stabilization cost which our party is willing to undertake. We cannot go on ‘germanising’ profits from the euro and ‘europeanising’ austerity policies and antisocial reforms,” explains the leader of the new German party in his first statement.
The decision in question also includes provisions regarding the existing administrative staff of the European Parliament, all of whom are suspended from duty. Translators and interpreters are the only ones exempted from this provision and will be transferred permanently to Berlin to translate the Bundestag’s sessions and legislation into all EU official languages.
As for the Parliament’s premises in Brussels and Strasbourg, the former will be converted into a museum of modern European history, whereas the latter will be extended to become an ultra-modern football stadium.
“With this historical decision Europe finally acquires a unified demos”, stresses our EU analyst who concludes: “The stakes at the next German elections are thus ontological. The ‘European demos’ will be called upon, for the first time in history through elections, to take a position on the most historic dilemma facing the Old Continent: do we finally prefer a European Germany, as envisioned by Europe’s founding fathers, or a German Europe, currently in the making within the EU?”
